Friday, January 14, 2005

Subject: 20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a
Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries
with That.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten
Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors."

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Dont use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds
All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.

17. When The Money Comes Out Of The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling
"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going
To Have To Let One Of You Go."

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

20. Send This Message To Someone To Make Them Smile...It's Called
Therapy...

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Michael Moore in my Email

Monday, January 10th, 2005

Dear Friends,

Last night, at the People's Choice Awards, "Fahrenheit 9/11" was named the Best Movie of the Year. It was a stunning moment for us. And, somewhere inside the Bush White House, someone there must have been stunned, too.

21 million people voted in the People's Choice Awards. They chose our film over "Shrek 2," "Spiderman 2" and "The Incredibles." If we can beat that many superheroes, surely we can survive the next four years.

I can think of no greater honor for us this year than the award bestowed upon us last night by the American people. On live television, with no threat of my remarks being censored or cut short, I thanked all of you and the rest of our fellow Americans and dedicated the prize to the parents of our servicemen and women in Iraq, the Lila Lipscombs of America who suffer so profoundly by the reckless actions of the Bush administration.

(If you'd like to see what I said -- this time, no riot! -- you can click here. I even dressed up!)

It was an historic moment as no documentary had ever won the People's Choice Award for Best Picture. And I thank each and every one of you who voted and made that happen.

I took Congresswoman Maxine Waters and her husband as my guests last night. My family was there, too, as was some of our crew. We had a great time and I even got to meet Mel Gibson for the first time (he won a secondary prize for best film drama). More on that later!

Thanks again, and now let's get on with the serious work at hand -- winning more awards! Hahahaha. Just kidding. We have an inauguration to attend, don't we?

Yours,

Michael Moore
www.michaelmoore.com
MMFlint@aol.com

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Happy Birthday To Me...

+---------- Bizarre Excuses for Calling in Sick -----------+

[These are actual excuses workers gave for missing work.]

* I was sprayed by a skunk.
* I tripped over my dog and was knocked unconscious.
* My bus broke down and was held up by robbers.
* I was arrested as a result of mistaken identity.
* I forgot to come back to work after lunch.
* I couldn't find my shoes.
* I hurt myself bowling.
* I was spit on by a venomous snake.
* I totaled my wife's jeep in a collision with a cow.
* A hit man was looking for me.
* My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hair- dresser.
* I eloped.
* My brain went to sleep and I couldn't wake it up.
* My cat unplugged my alarm clock.
* I had to be there for my husband's grand jury trial.
* I forgot what day of the week it was.
* Someone slipped drugs in my drink last night.
***

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

LOOKY EVERYBODY!!

I figgered out how to change the template by myself!!
::Pats self on back::

[Falls over. Dies.]

The Package Tour Complaint

From: Monty Python's Brand New Paperbok
Transcribed By: Jonathan Mestel ( AJM8@PHX.CAM.AC.UK )

What's the point of going abroad if you're just another tourist carted around in buses surrounded by sweaty mindless oafs from Kettering and Coventry intheir cloth caps and their cardigans and their transistor radios and theirSunday Mirrors, complaining about the tea - "Oh they don't make it properly here, do they, not like at home" - and stopping at Majorcan bodegas sellingf ish and chips and Watney's Red Barrel and calamares and two veg and sitting in their cotton frocks squirting Timothy White's suncream all over their puffy raw swollen purulent flesh 'cos they "overdid it on the first day." And being herded into endless Hotel Miramars and Bellvueses and Continentales with their modern international luxury roomettes and draught Red Barrel and swimming pools full of fat German businessmen pretending they're acrobats forming pyramids and frightening the children and barging into queues and if you're not at your table spot on seven you miss the bowl of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup, the first item on the menu of International Cuisine, and every Thursday night the hotel has a bloody cabaret in the bar, featuring a tiny emaciated dago with nine-inch hips and some bloated fat tart with her hair brylcreemed down and abig arse presenting Flamenco for Foreigners. And adenoidal typists from Birmingham with flabby white legs and diarrhoea trying to pick up hairy bandy-legged wop waiters called Manuel and once a week there's an excursion to the local Roman Remains to buy cherryade and melted ice cream and bleeding Watney's Red Barrel and one evening you visit the so called typical restaurantwith local colour and atmosphere and you sit next to a party from Rhyl who keep singing "Torremolinos, torremolinos" and complaining about the food - "It's sogreasy isn't it?" - and you get cornered by some drunken green grocer from Luton with an Instamatic camera and Dr. Scholl sandals and last Tuesday's Daily Express and he drones on and on about how Mr. Smith should be running this country and how many languages Enoch Powell can speak and then he throws upover the Cuba Libres. And sending tinted postcards of places they don'trealise they haven't even visited to "All at number 22, weather wonderful, our room is marked with an 'X'. Food very greasy but we've found a charming little local place hidden away in the back streets where they serve Watney's Red Barrel and cheese and onion crisps and the accordionist plays 'Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner'." And spending four days on the tarmac at Lutonairport on a five-day package tour with nothing to eat but dried BEA-type sandwiches and you can't even get a drink of Watney's Red Barrel because you're still in England and the bloody bar closes every time you're thirsty and there's nowhere to sleep and the kids are crying and vomiting and breaking the plastic ash-trays and they keep telling you it'll only be another hour although your plane is still in Iceland and has to take some Swedes to Yugoslavia before it can load you up at 3 a.m. in the bloody morning and you sit on the tarmac till six because of "unforeseen difficulties", i.e. the permanent strike of Air Traffic Control in Paris - and nobody can go to the lavatory until you take off at 8, and when you get to Malaga airport everybody's swallowing"enterovioform" and queuing for the toilets and queuing for the armed customs officers, and queuing for the bloody bus that isn't there to take you to the hotel that hasn't yet been finished. And when you finally get to the half-built Algerian ruin called the Hotel del Sol by paying half your holiday money to a licensed bandit in a taxi you find there's no water in the pool, there's no water in the taps, there's no water in the bog and there's only a bleeding lizard in the bidet. And half the rooms are double booked and you can't sleep anyway because of the permanent twenty-four-hour drilling of the foundations of the hotel next door - and you're plagues by appalling apprentice chemists from Ealing pretending to be hippies, and middle-class stockbrokers'wives busily buying identical holiday villas in suburban development plots just like Esher, in case the Labour government gets in again, and fat American matrons with sloppy-buttocks and Hawaiian-patterned ski pants looking for anymulatto male who can keep it up long enough when they finally let it all flop out. And the Spanish Tourist Board promises you that the raging cholera epidemic is merely a case of mild Spanish tummy, like the previous outbreak of Spanish tummy in 1660 which killed half London and decimated Europe - and meanwhile the bloody Guardia are busy arresting sixteen-year-olds for kissing in the streets and shooting anyone under nineteen who doesn't like Franco. And then on the last day in the airport lounge everyone's comparing sunburns,drinking Nasty Spumante, buying cartons of duty free "cigarillos" and using up their last pesetas on horrid dolls in Spanish National costume and awful straw donkeys and bullfight posters with your name on "Ordoney, El Cordobes and Brian Pules of Norwich" and 3-D pictures of the Pope and Kennedy and Franco, and everybody's talking about coming again next year and you swear you never will although there you are tumbling bleary-eyed out of a tourist-tight antique Iberian airplane.....

Monday, January 10, 2005

Colonscopy Comments

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."


My Favorite :

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."



Helena Handbasket's Lloony Page


Video Killed The Radio Star

I heard you on the wireless back in fifty two
Lying a-wake in bed then tuning in on you
If I was young it didn't stop you coming through... Oh - ah - oh.

Oh - ah - oh.
They took the credit for your second symphony
Rewritten by machine and new technology
And now I understand the problems you can see.
(Oh-a-oh)

I met your children...What did you tell them ?
Video killed the radio star
Video killed the radio star...
Pictures came and broke your heart (Oh-a-oh-oh-oh)


And now we meet in an abandoned studio
We hear the playback and it seems so long ago
And you remember the jingles used to go (Oh-a-oh)
You were the first one (Oh-a-oh)
You were the last one
Video killed the radio star Video killed the radio star
In my mind and in my car, we can't re-wind we've gone to far
(Oh-a-oh-oh-oh) (Oh-a-oh-oh-oh)
Video killed the radio star Video killed the radio star
In my mind and in my car, we can't re-wind we've gone to far
Pictures came and broke your heart
Put the blame on VTR...
You are the radio star...


Where to Go (Besides Hell)


The Lloony Bin
Massapequa High School Funhouse
My *Evil* Internet & MHS Friends



Sunday, January 09, 2005

Bush Slams "Acts of Terror"

[Thanks to FlatBushSKP for sending me this one!]

::Bush slams 'Act of terror'
by Our Political Staff
Eartha Quake
PRIVATE EYE magazine, UKT::

The President of the United States today hit out at those responsible for what he called "the worst terrorist outrage since 9/11". He told a White House press conference, "We don't yet know who these Tsunami guys are, but I tell you, we will hunt them down to the ends of the earth".

Correction

The President later issued a clarification, that he had been misquoted by himself."What the President intended to say," explained his press secretary Myra Gaffe, "was that he is promising free and fair elections in Tsunami as soon as he can find it on the map."

¤Bizarre Facts About the Human Body¤

A cough releases an explosive charge of air that moves at
speeds up to 60 mph.

A fetus acquires fingerprints at the age of three months.

A human being loses an average of 40 to 100 strands of hair
a day.

A healthy individual releases 3.5 oz. of gas in a single
flatulent emission, or about 17 oz. in a day.

According to German researchers, the risk of heart attack is
higher on Monday than any other day of the week.

After spending hours working at a computer display, look at
a blank piece of white paper. It will probably appear pink.

Babies are born with 300 bones, but by adulthood we have
only 206 in our bodies.

Every person has a unique tongue print.

Beards are the fastest growing hairs on the human body. If
the average man never trimmed his beard, it would grow to
nearly 30 feet long in his lifetime.

Every human spent about half an hour as a single cell.

If you go blind in one eye, you'll only lose about one-fifth
of your vision (but all your depth perception.)

The average human produces 25,000 quarts of spit in a life-
time, enough to fill two swimming pools.


***

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