THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY


My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat


When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.


Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.


But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

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Looking back over the years

that we've been together,


I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

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How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

*************************************************************

I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you.

I've changed my mind.


#################################################

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

#################################################

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

******************************************************


Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)


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Happy birthday!

You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

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When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////


We have been friends for a very long time.

Let's say we stop?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm so miserable without you,

it's almost like you're here.

===================================


Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.


Look at the bright side,

It's really good pay.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Thought For The Day

One of the few good things about modern times:
If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain.
You will have entertained us.
-- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cold Turkey", In These Times, May 10, 2004

Another Argument For Natural Selection

+------------ Bizarre Answers from Family Feud ------------+

[Here are some actual answers from contestants who have
appeared on the game show "Family Feud."]

Q: Name something a blind person might use:
A: A sword.

Q: Name a song with moon in the title:
A: Blue Suede Moon.

Q: Name a bird with a long neck:
A: A penguin.

Q: Name an occupation where you need a torch:
A: A burglar.

Q: Name something you wear on the beach:
A: A deck chair.

Q: Name something red:
A: My cardigan.

Q: Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers:
A: A horse.

Q: Name a number you have to memorize:
A: Seven.

Q: Name something you put on walls:
A: Roofs.

Q: Name something that doesn't have an engine:
A: Dishes.

Q: Name something you might be allergic to:
A: Skiing.

Q: Name a non-living object with legs:
A: A plant.

Q: Name a part of the body beginning with "n":
A: Knee.


***

Blond Joke

A blonde woman was speeding in her little red sports car and was pulled
over
by a female police officer ...who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her
purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The woman finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to
the
policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay,
you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."