Allrighty folks! It's Therapy Time!!
Let's see your best efforts!!!!
Write some Pysch-Haikus!
My cell phone taunts me
Silent Mode, Fails to Vibrate
Nobody likes me.
[Thanks to Llaurel for the following]:
schizophrenic
Why can't people see
That I only do what the
Voices tell me to?
scizoid
We'll get along fine
Just as soon as you get the
Fuck out of my face
sociopathic
They keep telling me
Other folks have feelings too.
Mm-this one feels soft.
Ten Most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down
by David Letterman
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr.Johnson..
6. Elvis is leaving the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....
1. I always knew you were crazy.....but now I can see your nuts.
Why A Duck?
A duck goes into a vegetable produce store and says, "Do you have any grapes?"
The man says "No."
The duck comes back in an hour and says, "Do you have any grapes?"
The man says "No, I told you I didn't have any grapes."
The duck comes back in another hour and says, "Do you have any grapes?"
The man says "No I told you I didn't have any grapes and if you ask me again, I'll nail your tail to the floor."
The duck comes back in another hour and says, "Do you have any nails?"
The man says "No."
The duck says, "Do you have any grapes?"
ED Stories....2004 Incomplete Archives
ER Stories
1:49 AM 4/29/04
I do enjoy the new job, and it can be total insanity at times.
Very busy...
Tonight was quiet, though.
Some guy with a tick stuck on his dick, and an 85-year-old constipated lady who sang & danced for us...
Yesterday we had a 53-year-old man with a vibrator stuck up his ass. Said his wife put it there...
Required a surgeon to remove it.
The surgeon on call, Dr. Sylvia Fresco, an attractive young woman.... She said she asked the guy if it was still running.... She also said it was hot pink!
We all got a good laugh out of the situation.
Then the medics called in a body they needed pronounced--- the guy had apparently been dead for a few weeks. Why they needed it officially pronounced is beyond me....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12:52 AM 4/30/04
Another quiet night, but not boring.
A baby with a febrile seizure, a 78 year old woman I know from somewhere (damn I can't remember where), in complete cardiac arrest on arrival...Only to be revived and then die a few minutes later....
Lucky me I got to officiate her demise in the computer...
And a few hours later Dr. Ritter slaps an Xray up on the wall and says "Damn, that's more than 6 inches!! That's gotta be a foot long!
Indeed, it was another guy w/a vibrator stuck up his ass. This time it was a 62-year-old college professor, who said he was having a little fun with himself at home.
Then Dr. Ritter says "Look! It takes double "A" batteries!"
Dr. Ballem, the fella who removed my gall bladder 2 years ago, had the honor of this vibrator removal!
Hehe...
Then, towards the end of my shift, Dr. Fresco came in to look at another patient...I told her she just missed another vibrator incident!
Must be Vibrator Week or something....
11:03 PM 7/31/04
Wow...been 3 months since I've been compelled to write. Not that nothing's happened, mind you. But what a week I've had...
Culminating in last night's Blue Moon.
Monday was typical Hell. Medical Monday, they call it. I got to work at 3pm, and the world followed. It got crazier, of course, after 6pm, when the after dinner crowd arrived. Mostly MVA's & old people. Sometimes I think these Nursing Homes run out of things to do with these elderly folks & send them our way...
Let's see, a 99-year-old woman suffering from Malaise & Fatigue.
Malaise & Fatigue, it says. Well, what's wrong with her? She's NINETY-NINE FUCKING YEARS OLD! OF COURSE SHE'S FATIGUED, DAMMIT!
If I make it to that age & I seem tired, don't send me to the ER. Just leave me the fuck alone, thank you.
Tuesday was a bit calmer, nothing spectacular, until around 10:00pm when my sister called to tell me that the West Orange EMT's were bringing in my 15 year old niece because she'd ingested the medicine cabinet earlier that day, apparently because she was mad at her mother for rescinding her Internet privileges because she'd cut her wrist (superficially, for attention) the day before...
So, I tell the charge nurse, who makes sure she gets a good room in my line of view, assigned Tim to be her nurse, and in she comes, out of it & puking into a bucket.
Nice.
So, I get her registered & by the time my sister & Martin get there, they've already done her EKG, & nurse Kathy has triaged her & was preparing to draw her blood--- When my sister got there I was saying to Kathy, "You gonna draw blood now?" and my sister says "Draw blood? Like this?" making drawing on paper motions....
Yep! It runs in the family, this sick sense of humor. That's why I enjoy my job. I see humor in almost everything.
So, Janelle gets to drink charcoal, much to her foggy dismay. It was either that or they would tube it down her nose, Tim told her, so drink the concoction she did.
Of course she would need to be admitted--this was decide by the crisis counselor who spoke to my niece & my sister through the night--and I ended up leaving there & driving Martin home to West Orange at 1:00am.
When I got to work the next day at 3pm, Janelle & my sister were still there, getting ready for Janelle to be transferred to St. Claire's in Boonton, where they have an adolescent psyche ward.
Janelle told me she would be there a week & would miss the play she was to be in, much to her dismay.
"Did you consider that when you decided to take the medicine cabinet yesterday?"
"No...."
Well, duh.
::sigh::
Thursday began with an angioplasty, and ended with an angioplasty....I didn't get out till almost 1am. Of course, it was chaotic the whole 8 hours in between the two...
And Friday, well, you knew it was a full moon.
Not only that, but a blue moon!
Yikes... the board was full: 7 abdominal pains, 7 respiratory abnormalities, 10 chest pains, and 4 possible miscarriages altogether.
At one point late in the evening, Roseanne, a young nurse, handed me two specimen jars in plastic baggies & asked me to send them to the pathology lab... "It's a fetus, don't look at it. I think I'm going to cry," she told me.
So of course I opened the baggie & looked. "Poor thing," I said.
"Just send it already!", she says...
A few minutes later, I gave her a bag of M&M's I'd had stashed.
"What's this?" she said.
"You look as though you need some Mental Health food!"
"I love you!" she said as she ripped the bag open & shoveled them into her mouth.
Hehe....
Yikes! What a week...and now I can't get online...
Damn, I need a new computer.
Did I mention my cat had kittens last week?
::Waves Hello::
Hey Guys!
How the hell are y'all?
