From Democracy Means You...

Conservative Christians: Oxymorons
But is it by nature or nurture?

By: Alison Ross
02.14.2005



The most oxymoronic phrase in the English language has got to be: Christian Conservative.


One of my favorite pieces of Bush-bashing propaganda illustrates my point with comic elegance. The piece is a mock ad entitled, “The Bush Campaign’s TV Commercial If He Was Running Against Jesus. ” There are six panels, four of which contain a compassionate quote from Jesus, and then the Bush campaign’s twisted twist on the quote. For example, one panel says, “ Jesus of Nazareth says, “ Do not resist one who is evil. But if anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other, ” and the Bush campaign spin is, “Can we trust Jesus to fight the War on Terror? ” The ad sums up what the Bush campaign considers Jesus’ inability to govern by saying, “ Jesus - Wrong on social services. Wrong on crime. Wrong on defense. Wrong for America. ”

This ad not only wonderfully encapsulates everything that is wrong with Bush’s approach to, well, everything, but it also sharply targets the neanderthal neo-conservative hypocrisy regarding Christianity.

Now, I renounced Christianity a while ago, when it became clear to me that the teachers and administration at my private Baptist high school - and, by extension, many who called themselves Christian - were shameful shams.

Nonetheless, my later study of Buddhism and its parallels to Christianity, plus my inquiries into Christian mysticism, have taught me there are humane aspects of Christianity, as there are to all religions. So, while I reject the existence of God and believe it all to be manufactured mythology, and view the Bible as a misguided and misguiding mishmash of benevolence and malevolence, I embrace the good side of Christianity and believe that it is this facet that should be magnified.

Message to conservative “ Chistians ” : Jesus would love fags. Indeed, he probably was one, seeing how he was such a sensitive male and all.

Memo to pious pretenders: Jesus would love trailer park trash and project-dwellers. Indeed, he would have inhabited a cozy double-wide rather than a sterile McMansion, and would have mingled with the modest masses over the fur-wearing flaunters. Indeed, Jesus would have been on welfare, as he would have been out of work. After all, no corporation in America has a position open for Selfless Saint.

Cluephone to “ religious ” Republicans: Jesus would love taxes, provided they mostly went toward helpful services like education, healthcare, and safeguarding the general welfare, and not mainly toward destructive programs like the military, as they now do. Indeed, Jesus was a socialist, which would explain his pink complexion.

A true Christian, you see, is pro-poor and anti-war. A true Christian is peace-loving and community-oriented. A true Christian is not a gay-bashing, homeless-hating, war-mongering bigot. In other words, a true Christian is LIBERAL - that is, RATIONAL and HUMANE - and not CONSERVATIVE - in other words, MENTALLY CONFUSED AND CRUEL TO THE CORE.

What Would Jesus Do? Jesus as activist would lead peace marches and speak at the counter-inaugural protest. Jesus as lobbiest would lobby against corporate welfare and outsourcing. Jesus as citizen would vote in favor of gay marriage. Jesus as congressman would vote against anyone who supports the heinous torture of prisoners.

What Else Would Jesus Do? Jesus would realize that abortion should remain legal in order to protect women’s health and rights, and because he would cringe at the spectre of children living in orphanhood. Of course, Jesus would also decry the inordinate amount of abortions, and would call for its occurrence to be limited. Indeed, he would vigorously endorse contraceptives for this very reason.

Furthermore, Jesus would oppose the death penalty.

Just What Exactly Would Jesus Do? Jesus would denouce all those who exploit his image in the name of arrogance, belligerence and greed. Yet he would do so without malice.

If only we could all be so restrained in our outrage toward the Tyrannical Theocrats mis-leading our country.




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by Alison Ross

Sure Signs

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in.! "
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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."


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On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
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Another a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
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On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip Call your plumber.."
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Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
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On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
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At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
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On an Electrician's truck :
"Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
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At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
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At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
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And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."