Ineffective Daily Affirmations

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of
suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are
someone else's fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of
course, I want to stay employed.

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no
personality at all.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious,
self-righteous people around me.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice
things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with
imaginary fears.

Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant
nagging?

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no
sweeter words than "I told you so."

False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV.
Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find
someone.

I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh
at.

The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not
home.

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm
giving as much as I'm getting.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn
from them.